Father's Day Brings Up Mixed Feelings

Father's Day is suppose to be a day to celebrate your father and spend the day with your family. For me, I have very mixed feelings about Father's Day. I know I haven't told the story of my childhood yet, but let me tell you a little background about my Father. My parent's were divorced before I was born and my Dad was never really a part of my life. I guess for the first year or so he would come around a bit, but I was too young to remember. I actually remember the first time I met him. Isn't that terrible, you should never 'remember' the first time you meet your Dad, he should just always be there. I remember it perfectly. I was 6 years old and my Aunt had just taken my older sister and I to get a hair cut. When we were done we went over to my Grandparent's house. When we walked in the door there was a man sitting on one couch and my Grandma on the other. My sister immediately ran over to this stranger and jumped on his lap. I stood there in the doorway, frozen. My Grandma turned to me and said, "Jessica, do you know who that is?" I shook my head no and she said, "That's your Dad" I didn't budge. He then pulled out a couple of presents from beside the couch for us. Since my sister was on his lap and seemed to know who he was, I went over and sat next to him. He had gotten me a playskool purse with plastic make up and jewelry with it. A very generic gift for someone you don't know. He visited for a little bit then left. The next time we saw him was when we were being taken out of my Mother's house and put into his custody a few weeks later.


We lived with him for the next 7 years. He was a decent Dad for those seven years. Definitely a better environment than what we were in. I can honestly say that was the first time in our lives that my sister and I ever experienced love in the home. We lived with someone who loved us and cared about us, just wasn't the best at showing it. I think that is why I get so defensive when someone talks badly about him. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to move in with my Grandparents. (My Dad was also a drug abuser/seller) He went back to losing contact with us. Rarely calling us or seeing us. He would always call me on my Birthday and make plans to take me to dinner, but never followed through on them. That was extremely tough to deal with. I would get so excited to see him, counting down the days until our plans. Some times he would call and give an excuse, but usually he would just leave me there gazing out the window. I didn't want to live with my grandparents. My Grandpa is bipolar and had a terrible temper. I would call my Dad often, crying hysterically on his machine to come take me home with him. He would never return my calls. I didn't understand this. How could he listen to his little girl bawling and not even return her call. Why didn't he want me?

There was a year when I was 21 that he came around quite a bit. I lived on my own and my house was on his way home from work so he would stop by on his way home. My sister lived on the same street as me a block down and he would never stop by her house. By this time she had two kids and when he would come by I would try to make him go over there. I would always have to go with him, but I didn't mind. I love my niece and nephew. He even walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believed that we had a new relationship that would only get stronger over the years. After I got married he stopped coming over as much. We moved into a new home five months after the wedding and I rarely saw or spoke to him. He has only been to my new house one time in the last five years.

My Dad has never really been a part of my niece and nephew's life. They are 7 and 5 and don't even know him at all. The last time that he seen them he stopped in unannounced and I told my sister to run into the playroom and tell the kids who he was before he came in. This was 2 years ago. When I got pregnant with my daughter I knew that his relationship with my daughter was going to be completely different then his relationship with my sister's children. Him and I were closer and I just knew he would want to be a part of his grand children's lives. Boy was I ever wrong. He came up to the hospital to see her on the 4th day we were there. She was sickly and we didn't know if she was going to live or not. Otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't of come. Most Dad's would be in the waiting room while their baby daughter was giving birth, not waiting four days to come up to see your dieing grandchild. That was the only time that he has seen her and she is now three. I send him lots of pictures, cards and invitation but never get any response. The last one I sent about 6 months ago was returned to me because he has moved and didn't leave a return address. Have I mentioned that he lives in the same city as me? About a 10 - 15 minute drive. Now I don't have an address or phone number. I couldn't even call him to tell him 'Happy Father's Day' if I wanted too.

So, now I'm sure you can see why I'm not the biggest fan of Father's Day. Mother's Day doesn't bother me because I don't want a relationship with my mother. However, I would love nothing more than my Dad to be a part of my and my daughter's life. He is missing out on so much, and I really feel like I am too. I try not to think about it to much and focus on my husband and daughter. I'm very thankful that my daughter will never have to worry about her Daddy doing that to her. I just hope that if my dad does decide to be a part of our lives that he really commits to it. I either want him to be a part or don't. I'm done with him coming and going as he pleases. When he says he's going to come over I get so excited, just like a little kid, and then we he breaks his promise I'm just as disappointed as I was as a child. I am completely done with that. Maybe one day I will get the courage to tell him that. Thanks for listening! I feel better getting that off my chest.