I Survived an Explosion

I had quite an exciting/scary ride home from work today. It started out as a normal ride home. I got in my truck, fastened my seat belt and started the ignition. Right away my A/C blew extremely hot air in my face so I leaned over and turned it off. Then I looked at my dashboard to check what the temperature was outside '117' it read. A little off though, by about 17 degrees. Although it sure felt like 117. I then backed out of my parking spot and began to leave my office parking lot.

I then started thinking about our used explorer that we just bought and how the interior ceiling has a bit of wear and tear on it. I looked up and noticed that the interior in my truck still looks brand new after 5 years. By this time I'm about a quarter of a mile down the street and am dripping in sweat. I lean over, turn on the a/c and...KA-BOOM!! Sounding like an explosion. Followed by all this liquidy foam spewing all over me and my nice clean truck. "OH MY GOD!" I screamed and slammed on my breaks. I looked in the rear view mirror just in time to see the van behind me swerve out of the way to miss hitting me. I immediately think that my engine has just exploded and I needed to get out fast before I am engulfed in a burning ball of fire. I don't even pull over. I just stop. In the middle of the street, smack dab in 5 o'clock traffic. I run through a lane of traffic screaming, flying my hands through the air until I make it safely to the curb. I take a breath, preparing myself to turn around and see my truck in a huge ball of flames. I turn around...

Nothing...

It's just sitting there. Engine on. Door open. Everyone staring at me. Some probably wondering what the hell this crazy lady is doing. Most just pissed off because I'm blocking traffic. No one concerned. No one gets out of the car to see if I'm ok, not even rolling down the window and yelling, "Are you ok.?" I stand there for a minute. Drenched in...something...something sticky. Now I don't know what to do. Do I go back over there and risk the chance of blowing up? No! I just stand there a little longer, dazed and confused. What just happened? Is my truck safe? Everyone stop staring at me and get out of your damn cars and help me. Maybe one of them can go see what's going on. Someone?? Anyone?? No one. So, I slowly walk back over to my truck just waiting for it to explode. As I'm getting closer to it I'm thinking 'Ok, if it explodes now I'll probably just get blown back a few feet like they do in the movies' A little closer. 'Ok, now I'll probably just catch on fire, but I would still live' even close now. 'Ok now, now I would die. There is no turning back now'


I peek my head in the door and start smelling inside it, if it smelt like smoke I wasn't getting in it. No smoke. I went a head and sat down even though my rear was now soaking wet from that liquid foam getting all over the seat. I put it in drive and it sounds good. No weird noises or smells and best no more liquid spewing out of it. The a/c was even still on, blowing cold air right into my hot, sweaty, now sticky face. I take a deep breath and think to myself 'your going to be ok, you survived an explosion' I figure I'll just let my husband deal with trying to figure out what it was when I get home. I only live 6 minutes away from work. Yes 6. I've timed it! I then look to my right, and I couldn't believe my eyes. "Are you kidding me?!!!" I started laughing, hysterically. In the caddy between my seats is a Pepsi can with the top completely blown off! It was so hot in my truck that the Pepsi can exploded all over me and my truck!!!

Now I am completely sticky from head to toe and my hair is dripping wet. My truck looks even worse. There is Pepsi everywhere. All over the inside of the windshield, the rear view mirror is covered. The interior is spotted brown and the cup holders are filled to the brim with soda. What a mess!! I was driving down the street dabbing at the roof with napkins I found in the glove box. I wonder what the people around me were thinking! I now know that I won't be keeping cans of soda in my truck again!

Father's Day Brings Up Mixed Feelings

Father's Day is suppose to be a day to celebrate your father and spend the day with your family. For me, I have very mixed feelings about Father's Day. I know I haven't told the story of my childhood yet, but let me tell you a little background about my Father. My parent's were divorced before I was born and my Dad was never really a part of my life. I guess for the first year or so he would come around a bit, but I was too young to remember. I actually remember the first time I met him. Isn't that terrible, you should never 'remember' the first time you meet your Dad, he should just always be there. I remember it perfectly. I was 6 years old and my Aunt had just taken my older sister and I to get a hair cut. When we were done we went over to my Grandparent's house. When we walked in the door there was a man sitting on one couch and my Grandma on the other. My sister immediately ran over to this stranger and jumped on his lap. I stood there in the doorway, frozen. My Grandma turned to me and said, "Jessica, do you know who that is?" I shook my head no and she said, "That's your Dad" I didn't budge. He then pulled out a couple of presents from beside the couch for us. Since my sister was on his lap and seemed to know who he was, I went over and sat next to him. He had gotten me a playskool purse with plastic make up and jewelry with it. A very generic gift for someone you don't know. He visited for a little bit then left. The next time we saw him was when we were being taken out of my Mother's house and put into his custody a few weeks later.


We lived with him for the next 7 years. He was a decent Dad for those seven years. Definitely a better environment than what we were in. I can honestly say that was the first time in our lives that my sister and I ever experienced love in the home. We lived with someone who loved us and cared about us, just wasn't the best at showing it. I think that is why I get so defensive when someone talks badly about him. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to move in with my Grandparents. (My Dad was also a drug abuser/seller) He went back to losing contact with us. Rarely calling us or seeing us. He would always call me on my Birthday and make plans to take me to dinner, but never followed through on them. That was extremely tough to deal with. I would get so excited to see him, counting down the days until our plans. Some times he would call and give an excuse, but usually he would just leave me there gazing out the window. I didn't want to live with my grandparents. My Grandpa is bipolar and had a terrible temper. I would call my Dad often, crying hysterically on his machine to come take me home with him. He would never return my calls. I didn't understand this. How could he listen to his little girl bawling and not even return her call. Why didn't he want me?

There was a year when I was 21 that he came around quite a bit. I lived on my own and my house was on his way home from work so he would stop by on his way home. My sister lived on the same street as me a block down and he would never stop by her house. By this time she had two kids and when he would come by I would try to make him go over there. I would always have to go with him, but I didn't mind. I love my niece and nephew. He even walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believed that we had a new relationship that would only get stronger over the years. After I got married he stopped coming over as much. We moved into a new home five months after the wedding and I rarely saw or spoke to him. He has only been to my new house one time in the last five years.

My Dad has never really been a part of my niece and nephew's life. They are 7 and 5 and don't even know him at all. The last time that he seen them he stopped in unannounced and I told my sister to run into the playroom and tell the kids who he was before he came in. This was 2 years ago. When I got pregnant with my daughter I knew that his relationship with my daughter was going to be completely different then his relationship with my sister's children. Him and I were closer and I just knew he would want to be a part of his grand children's lives. Boy was I ever wrong. He came up to the hospital to see her on the 4th day we were there. She was sickly and we didn't know if she was going to live or not. Otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't of come. Most Dad's would be in the waiting room while their baby daughter was giving birth, not waiting four days to come up to see your dieing grandchild. That was the only time that he has seen her and she is now three. I send him lots of pictures, cards and invitation but never get any response. The last one I sent about 6 months ago was returned to me because he has moved and didn't leave a return address. Have I mentioned that he lives in the same city as me? About a 10 - 15 minute drive. Now I don't have an address or phone number. I couldn't even call him to tell him 'Happy Father's Day' if I wanted too.

So, now I'm sure you can see why I'm not the biggest fan of Father's Day. Mother's Day doesn't bother me because I don't want a relationship with my mother. However, I would love nothing more than my Dad to be a part of my and my daughter's life. He is missing out on so much, and I really feel like I am too. I try not to think about it to much and focus on my husband and daughter. I'm very thankful that my daughter will never have to worry about her Daddy doing that to her. I just hope that if my dad does decide to be a part of our lives that he really commits to it. I either want him to be a part or don't. I'm done with him coming and going as he pleases. When he says he's going to come over I get so excited, just like a little kid, and then we he breaks his promise I'm just as disappointed as I was as a child. I am completely done with that. Maybe one day I will get the courage to tell him that. Thanks for listening! I feel better getting that off my chest.

A Case of the Monday's

It was such a Monday today. For some reason I just couldn't get going at work. Ever have those days? Not only could I not get going, I was in a grumpy mood too! Last night I got a text from my boss at around 9:30 telling me to "plan" on working with one of the Doctor's because his assistant will be sick today. She didn't even ask, just told me to 'plan' on it. Possibly the start of my bad mood?! What's funny is, on my way to work today I seen the girl that was too sick to make it in today driving down the street! lol! I'm always getting pulled away from my position to fill in for some one else. On one hand it's nice to get out of the normal routine, but on the other hand I get so far behind that it's hard to catch up. Everyone always expects me to help them out, but no one ever wants to fill in for me when I need to be out. I am the only one of the only one's in the office cross trained in all the positions, so I'm last on the priority list as far as time off goes. I'm getting really bitter towards that place! Can you tell?

I've been wanting to find a new job, but it's really hard to find anything in my community right now. I live in a mid-size city that has a lot of large plants in it and they are all laying off right now. In the last 2 months over 5,000 people have been laid off and one of the companies just announced another 1,400 will be laid off in the next month. That has had a whirl wind effect on our community. Mom and Pop stores are constantly closing and other smaller companies are having to lay off because no one has any money to spend. I've never seen the economy like this before. Now is definitely not the time to make a job change. Not only will I have 6,000 other people to compete with for a job, but if I did get lucky enough to get one then I would be at the bottom of the barrel. Then, what if that company starts taking a loss, where are they going to look to cut costs? The bottom of the barrel. I've been thinking about going back to school. I'm not really sure what I would want to major in, but at least when I am done raising my child(ren) I will have a career to start in. Who knows what I will do! Well, I think that is enough ranting for one night! Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I don't work tomorrow, so that is a start! Thanks for listening computer.

Introducing Jessica Marie!

Hello everyone!! My name is Jessica, I am married to a wonderful husband and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, and a spunky 6 year old min pin. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary! I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my daughter for the first two years of her life. I just went back to work about 5 months ago part time. I get the best of both worlds because I am able to get out of the house a few days a week, but I also get to stay very involved in her life by staying home 4 days a week. I haven't decided yet if I will continue to work part time when we have another child or stay home again. I guess we'll see when it happens and how we are finaincially! May marked 2 years that we have been trying to conceive our second child. We want 3 or 4 children and were hoping that they would all be around 2 years apart. Doesn't look like that is going to happen! Even if we got pregnant right now she would almost be 4 when the baby was born. Oh well, God has a different plan for us!

I am starting this blog to share my thoughts, opinions and stories with others as well as getting advice from others. I have been recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, because of the child abuse I received throughout my entire childhood. The child abuse I suffered from was physical abuse, sexual abuse and mental abuse. I have completely shut out everything that has happened to me, as if I closed the door to that part of my memory and never reopened it, not even a crack. When I had my daughter I felt like someone broke down that door and I was overwhelmed with terrible memories. I never talk about it though, to anyone, not even my husband. Every once in awhile something will remind me of something from my childhood that I might share, but very rarely I share. I'm hoping by sharing some of this I will get some self healing. Hopefully, I will feel a sense of relief and weight lifted off of me. I also hope that my story will help others. I hope that it will help other child abuse survivors to know they are not alone. For so many years I thought I was the only one that had been a victim of child abuse. I also hope that this story will reach anyone that might think they see signs of child abuse and intervene. Look for my story to be posted some time in the near future. It is going to take me awhile to write and also a lot of courage because I've never shared my story before. I also plan on writing a lot about my daily life of being a wife, mother, co-worker, sister, friend and so much more! I also hope to meet new people so be sure to contact me through email or comments. If you ever want any advice or want me to discuss a topic be sure to let me know! Also, leave comments I love to hear from readers!!