Getting Laid Off

Wow! It's been awhile since I have written anything! I'm ready to get back on the computer and start writing again. Now, more than ever I could use the outlet. I just got laid off from my job about 3 weeks ago. I never imagined the emotional roller coaster that would come with it. I had worked in a smaller office of a big local chain of doctors. I was 2 months shy of my 5 year anniversary and let go like a nameless number in a large corporation. It came as a huge surprise because I had been there longer than almost every other employee, never had any kind of disciplinary action and there wasn't any notification that they were going to be laying any employees off. I know the company is in financial distress, but I felt secure because I know that I am a better employee than the other people in my same field. However, since I was there the longest I did make the most money which I feel had a huge role in me being laid off.

The worst part of it though is losing the people I worked with. There was a group of 6 of us who all started within 2 months of each other and we were all close in age, 4 of us had our first child within a year so we were there for each other through the births, birthday parties, wedding, funerals and many other personal problems we were going through. They were such a support system and like family to me. When I was let go, everyone but one person stopped talking to me. That really broke my heart because I truly loved these women and would of done anything for them.

So, now I'm part of the unemployed epidemic that is spreading in this country and hardly anyone in the city I live in is hiring. I'm thinking about possibly going back to school. Someone told me they thought I could get grants for being laid off that will help pay for school. I'll have to check into that soon. For now I'm spending time with my daughter and enjoying the nicer weather. Also, as an adult how often do we get to take a couple months off?!

Trying To Conceive

My husband and I have been trying to conceive baby #2 for a little over two years now. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant too. Especially unplanned pregnancies by single women that for some reason come to me for advice about what to do with their baby daddy drama. I find it really hard for me to be sympathetic to their situation. I know it is very selfish of me, but trying to conceive has been a very difficult process for me emotionally. None of my friends or family have had problems trying to conceive so I feel as if no one can really relate to what I am going through. I try really hard not to get my hopes during the 2 weeks between ovulation and the first day of my period. Although I do think about it every day during those 2 weeks and analyze any kind of changes in my body and mood and secretly tell myself 'maybe it's because I'm pregnant.' I only allow that thought to cross my mind for just a second, because when my period does start it is the most disappointing feeling.

The month of November was the worst month for this. I just knew I was pregnant. A little over a week after ovulation my breast were incredibly tender and I was extremely tired and had no energy what so ever. On Thanksgiving morning I was now 9 days late and I woke up very nauseous and actually threw up that morning while trying to cook for lunch. I rarely throw up. I was very sensitive to smells all day and never really felt sick, just nauseous throughout the day. Then at lunch my aunt (the one that does not like me) told me that my skin looked really great. This is odd for two reasons 1 being my aunt has never given me a complement in my life and 2 I have terrible skin. I just thought to myslef, "It must be the pregnancy glow." That was on Thursday and then on Sunday (now 12 days late) the same thing happened. I woke up very nauseous and threw up without feeling sick. So, Sunday night (which was also my Birthday) my husband wanted to go get a pregnancy test. I told him he didn't need to because I already knew I was pregnant, but if he wanted to he could. He went and got a pregnancy test and we were so excited to take it. I left it on the counter in the bathroom and continued to finish up some house work. My husband went and checked a couple minutes later and it was negative. I told him it was a mistake because I knew I was pregnant. I was absolutely positive I was pregnant. I knew my body and I knew I was pregnant. Well, a couple days later I started my menstruation and was completely destroyed. I cried for at least an hour straight, I'm even tearing up right now just thinking about it! I have never been so disappointed in my life. I can't even begin to explain the emotional roller coaster this has been, but when it happens for us it will all be worth it!


I would love to meet other women that have been through this process before or are going through it now. I could really use a support system and would love advice on this. My Doctor has given me some advice, but I'm ready for more. He has pretty much just told me to 'listen to my body' He told me I would have a cramping feeling around 14 days after the first day of my period and I would be highly 'in the mood' I can also tell when I'm ovulating because the skin on my face will be softer and glowing. This is nature taking it's course. When your ovulating your skin glows to attract a mate and your body releases male hormones to make you want to get it on! Our bodies are amazing!! I love my Doctor, he always told me when I was pregnant to listen to my body and I think that was the best advice anyone had ever given me about pregnancy and delivery. I have an appointment next week after listening to my body for 5 months and no baby. I'm really scared that something is wrong with me. I mean 2 years! That's a long time. I'm ready for answers though. This has caused a lot of heart ache for us and I'm really just ready to know something, anything, good or bad. If you have any advice to share or need any be sure to contact me through comments or email. Wish me luck next week!!

Father's Day Brings Up Mixed Feelings

Father's Day is suppose to be a day to celebrate your father and spend the day with your family. For me, I have very mixed feelings about Father's Day. I know I haven't told the story of my childhood yet, but let me tell you a little background about my Father. My parent's were divorced before I was born and my Dad was never really a part of my life. I guess for the first year or so he would come around a bit, but I was too young to remember. I actually remember the first time I met him. Isn't that terrible, you should never 'remember' the first time you meet your Dad, he should just always be there. I remember it perfectly. I was 6 years old and my Aunt had just taken my older sister and I to get a hair cut. When we were done we went over to my Grandparent's house. When we walked in the door there was a man sitting on one couch and my Grandma on the other. My sister immediately ran over to this stranger and jumped on his lap. I stood there in the doorway, frozen. My Grandma turned to me and said, "Jessica, do you know who that is?" I shook my head no and she said, "That's your Dad" I didn't budge. He then pulled out a couple of presents from beside the couch for us. Since my sister was on his lap and seemed to know who he was, I went over and sat next to him. He had gotten me a playskool purse with plastic make up and jewelry with it. A very generic gift for someone you don't know. He visited for a little bit then left. The next time we saw him was when we were being taken out of my Mother's house and put into his custody a few weeks later.


We lived with him for the next 7 years. He was a decent Dad for those seven years. Definitely a better environment than what we were in. I can honestly say that was the first time in our lives that my sister and I ever experienced love in the home. We lived with someone who loved us and cared about us, just wasn't the best at showing it. I think that is why I get so defensive when someone talks badly about him. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to move in with my Grandparents. (My Dad was also a drug abuser/seller) He went back to losing contact with us. Rarely calling us or seeing us. He would always call me on my Birthday and make plans to take me to dinner, but never followed through on them. That was extremely tough to deal with. I would get so excited to see him, counting down the days until our plans. Some times he would call and give an excuse, but usually he would just leave me there gazing out the window. I didn't want to live with my grandparents. My Grandpa is bipolar and had a terrible temper. I would call my Dad often, crying hysterically on his machine to come take me home with him. He would never return my calls. I didn't understand this. How could he listen to his little girl bawling and not even return her call. Why didn't he want me?

There was a year when I was 21 that he came around quite a bit. I lived on my own and my house was on his way home from work so he would stop by on his way home. My sister lived on the same street as me a block down and he would never stop by her house. By this time she had two kids and when he would come by I would try to make him go over there. I would always have to go with him, but I didn't mind. I love my niece and nephew. He even walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believed that we had a new relationship that would only get stronger over the years. After I got married he stopped coming over as much. We moved into a new home five months after the wedding and I rarely saw or spoke to him. He has only been to my new house one time in the last five years.

My Dad has never really been a part of my niece and nephew's life. They are 7 and 5 and don't even know him at all. The last time that he seen them he stopped in unannounced and I told my sister to run into the playroom and tell the kids who he was before he came in. This was 2 years ago. When I got pregnant with my daughter I knew that his relationship with my daughter was going to be completely different then his relationship with my sister's children. Him and I were closer and I just knew he would want to be a part of his grand children's lives. Boy was I ever wrong. He came up to the hospital to see her on the 4th day we were there. She was sickly and we didn't know if she was going to live or not. Otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't of come. Most Dad's would be in the waiting room while their baby daughter was giving birth, not waiting four days to come up to see your dieing grandchild. That was the only time that he has seen her and she is now three. I send him lots of pictures, cards and invitation but never get any response. The last one I sent about 6 months ago was returned to me because he has moved and didn't leave a return address. Have I mentioned that he lives in the same city as me? About a 10 - 15 minute drive. Now I don't have an address or phone number. I couldn't even call him to tell him 'Happy Father's Day' if I wanted too.

So, now I'm sure you can see why I'm not the biggest fan of Father's Day. Mother's Day doesn't bother me because I don't want a relationship with my mother. However, I would love nothing more than my Dad to be a part of my and my daughter's life. He is missing out on so much, and I really feel like I am too. I try not to think about it to much and focus on my husband and daughter. I'm very thankful that my daughter will never have to worry about her Daddy doing that to her. I just hope that if my dad does decide to be a part of our lives that he really commits to it. I either want him to be a part or don't. I'm done with him coming and going as he pleases. When he says he's going to come over I get so excited, just like a little kid, and then we he breaks his promise I'm just as disappointed as I was as a child. I am completely done with that. Maybe one day I will get the courage to tell him that. Thanks for listening! I feel better getting that off my chest.

Introducing Jessica Marie!

Hello everyone!! My name is Jessica, I am married to a wonderful husband and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, and a spunky 6 year old min pin. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary! I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my daughter for the first two years of her life. I just went back to work about 5 months ago part time. I get the best of both worlds because I am able to get out of the house a few days a week, but I also get to stay very involved in her life by staying home 4 days a week. I haven't decided yet if I will continue to work part time when we have another child or stay home again. I guess we'll see when it happens and how we are finaincially! May marked 2 years that we have been trying to conceive our second child. We want 3 or 4 children and were hoping that they would all be around 2 years apart. Doesn't look like that is going to happen! Even if we got pregnant right now she would almost be 4 when the baby was born. Oh well, God has a different plan for us!

I am starting this blog to share my thoughts, opinions and stories with others as well as getting advice from others. I have been recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, because of the child abuse I received throughout my entire childhood. The child abuse I suffered from was physical abuse, sexual abuse and mental abuse. I have completely shut out everything that has happened to me, as if I closed the door to that part of my memory and never reopened it, not even a crack. When I had my daughter I felt like someone broke down that door and I was overwhelmed with terrible memories. I never talk about it though, to anyone, not even my husband. Every once in awhile something will remind me of something from my childhood that I might share, but very rarely I share. I'm hoping by sharing some of this I will get some self healing. Hopefully, I will feel a sense of relief and weight lifted off of me. I also hope that my story will help others. I hope that it will help other child abuse survivors to know they are not alone. For so many years I thought I was the only one that had been a victim of child abuse. I also hope that this story will reach anyone that might think they see signs of child abuse and intervene. Look for my story to be posted some time in the near future. It is going to take me awhile to write and also a lot of courage because I've never shared my story before. I also plan on writing a lot about my daily life of being a wife, mother, co-worker, sister, friend and so much more! I also hope to meet new people so be sure to contact me through email or comments. If you ever want any advice or want me to discuss a topic be sure to let me know! Also, leave comments I love to hear from readers!!