Getting Laid Off

Wow! It's been awhile since I have written anything! I'm ready to get back on the computer and start writing again. Now, more than ever I could use the outlet. I just got laid off from my job about 3 weeks ago. I never imagined the emotional roller coaster that would come with it. I had worked in a smaller office of a big local chain of doctors. I was 2 months shy of my 5 year anniversary and let go like a nameless number in a large corporation. It came as a huge surprise because I had been there longer than almost every other employee, never had any kind of disciplinary action and there wasn't any notification that they were going to be laying any employees off. I know the company is in financial distress, but I felt secure because I know that I am a better employee than the other people in my same field. However, since I was there the longest I did make the most money which I feel had a huge role in me being laid off.

The worst part of it though is losing the people I worked with. There was a group of 6 of us who all started within 2 months of each other and we were all close in age, 4 of us had our first child within a year so we were there for each other through the births, birthday parties, wedding, funerals and many other personal problems we were going through. They were such a support system and like family to me. When I was let go, everyone but one person stopped talking to me. That really broke my heart because I truly loved these women and would of done anything for them.

So, now I'm part of the unemployed epidemic that is spreading in this country and hardly anyone in the city I live in is hiring. I'm thinking about possibly going back to school. Someone told me they thought I could get grants for being laid off that will help pay for school. I'll have to check into that soon. For now I'm spending time with my daughter and enjoying the nicer weather. Also, as an adult how often do we get to take a couple months off?!

My Appointment

I had my obgyn appointment yesterday that I was talking about here. My doctor wants me to start tracking and graphing my ovulation now. I had done a bunch of research online about this a year or so ago. I tracked for several months, but didn't really know what everything meant! I had joined an ovulation calendar website that was very informative, but I still had a lot of questions. I stopped graphing 5 months ago at my last appointment because my doctor wanted me to focus more on 'listening to my body.' So, now I have had a lot of my questions answered and I understand more about what I'm suppose to do. Although I really don't enjoy using a basal thermometer!!

Graphing your ovulation is when you take your temperature first thing in the morning. You should always do so before you move around because when you move around your temperature goes up. Ovulation is usually when your temperature rises 4-6 tenths of a degree. Usually mine drops a couple of degrees the day before ovulation, than rises around 5 or 6 degrees. I also found another website called Family Planning that describes what kind of bodily changes to look for during ovulation.

My doctor is also wanting to check my husband's 'swimmers' He said there has been an increase in men being infertile lately. I guess infertility in a man can happen any time for unknown reasons. So, a man can father a child and then become infertile and not be able to conceive another one. I never knew this before. I really hope this isn't what is going on. If it is, then I have no idea what the next step would be. I should have asked my doctor, but of course that information took me by surprise. My husband isn't very enthused about getting checked. Like it's a shot at his manhood or something! I'm more of the type that I just want to know either way what we're working with. I have to graph for 2 months and then go back for a follow up appointment, so hopefully we'll be expecting soon!! BTW I just love this picture I posted. I have no idea who the photographer is. My friend sent it to me recently and I fell in love with it and wanted to share it with all of you!

Trying To Conceive

My husband and I have been trying to conceive baby #2 for a little over two years now. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant too. Especially unplanned pregnancies by single women that for some reason come to me for advice about what to do with their baby daddy drama. I find it really hard for me to be sympathetic to their situation. I know it is very selfish of me, but trying to conceive has been a very difficult process for me emotionally. None of my friends or family have had problems trying to conceive so I feel as if no one can really relate to what I am going through. I try really hard not to get my hopes during the 2 weeks between ovulation and the first day of my period. Although I do think about it every day during those 2 weeks and analyze any kind of changes in my body and mood and secretly tell myself 'maybe it's because I'm pregnant.' I only allow that thought to cross my mind for just a second, because when my period does start it is the most disappointing feeling.

The month of November was the worst month for this. I just knew I was pregnant. A little over a week after ovulation my breast were incredibly tender and I was extremely tired and had no energy what so ever. On Thanksgiving morning I was now 9 days late and I woke up very nauseous and actually threw up that morning while trying to cook for lunch. I rarely throw up. I was very sensitive to smells all day and never really felt sick, just nauseous throughout the day. Then at lunch my aunt (the one that does not like me) told me that my skin looked really great. This is odd for two reasons 1 being my aunt has never given me a complement in my life and 2 I have terrible skin. I just thought to myslef, "It must be the pregnancy glow." That was on Thursday and then on Sunday (now 12 days late) the same thing happened. I woke up very nauseous and threw up without feeling sick. So, Sunday night (which was also my Birthday) my husband wanted to go get a pregnancy test. I told him he didn't need to because I already knew I was pregnant, but if he wanted to he could. He went and got a pregnancy test and we were so excited to take it. I left it on the counter in the bathroom and continued to finish up some house work. My husband went and checked a couple minutes later and it was negative. I told him it was a mistake because I knew I was pregnant. I was absolutely positive I was pregnant. I knew my body and I knew I was pregnant. Well, a couple days later I started my menstruation and was completely destroyed. I cried for at least an hour straight, I'm even tearing up right now just thinking about it! I have never been so disappointed in my life. I can't even begin to explain the emotional roller coaster this has been, but when it happens for us it will all be worth it!


I would love to meet other women that have been through this process before or are going through it now. I could really use a support system and would love advice on this. My Doctor has given me some advice, but I'm ready for more. He has pretty much just told me to 'listen to my body' He told me I would have a cramping feeling around 14 days after the first day of my period and I would be highly 'in the mood' I can also tell when I'm ovulating because the skin on my face will be softer and glowing. This is nature taking it's course. When your ovulating your skin glows to attract a mate and your body releases male hormones to make you want to get it on! Our bodies are amazing!! I love my Doctor, he always told me when I was pregnant to listen to my body and I think that was the best advice anyone had ever given me about pregnancy and delivery. I have an appointment next week after listening to my body for 5 months and no baby. I'm really scared that something is wrong with me. I mean 2 years! That's a long time. I'm ready for answers though. This has caused a lot of heart ache for us and I'm really just ready to know something, anything, good or bad. If you have any advice to share or need any be sure to contact me through comments or email. Wish me luck next week!!

My Vacation From Work

This week has been a great week! One of the Doctors was out this week and his nurse was looking for hours, so I gladly gave up mine. She really had to twist my arm for this favor! I only had to work on Monday and the rest of the week was mine to enjoy. My husband took Tuesday and Wednesday off to spend time with us. We didn't really do anything, went to the Zoo one day, shopping a couple of days and the pool everyday. My daughter begged to go to the water park everyday so of course I gave in. Although I couldn't go today. I'm extremely pale. I don't tan at all, I just burn, and every once in awhile I will turn a darker shade of white. So yesterday we were only going to stay at the water park for an hour so I didn't put any sunblock on myself. I don't know what I was thinking. I slathered sunblock all over her, but decided not to put it on myself. I've always gotten sun burnt very easily, but I guess I thought maybe this summer will be different. Maybe this summer I will turn that golden sun kissed brown that I've only dreamed about... WAKE UP JESSICA!!!! Do you think that happened? Of course not! In fact, that hour we were at the pool I got so sun burnt I couldn't even lay on my back last night. So, needless to say I didn't get out in the sun today. My daughter on the other hand doesn't burn at all. She turns a beautiful tan first time she's out in the sun. I'm a bit jealous!

I really think this week has done me good. Usually when I have vacation scheduled we go on an adventure out of town and are really busy being tourist, but I think this has been the most relaxing vacation ever. I made a list of things around the house that I wanted to get done, like paint my daughter's room and organize the storage room. But I didn't do a thing on it. I just spent quality time with my daughter and husband. I would highly recommend a vacation from work to everyone. Things at work can get stressful at times and even going away for a vacation can be stressful. This has been a very stress free week that I hate to see end!

I Survived an Explosion

I had quite an exciting/scary ride home from work today. It started out as a normal ride home. I got in my truck, fastened my seat belt and started the ignition. Right away my A/C blew extremely hot air in my face so I leaned over and turned it off. Then I looked at my dashboard to check what the temperature was outside '117' it read. A little off though, by about 17 degrees. Although it sure felt like 117. I then backed out of my parking spot and began to leave my office parking lot.

I then started thinking about our used explorer that we just bought and how the interior ceiling has a bit of wear and tear on it. I looked up and noticed that the interior in my truck still looks brand new after 5 years. By this time I'm about a quarter of a mile down the street and am dripping in sweat. I lean over, turn on the a/c and...KA-BOOM!! Sounding like an explosion. Followed by all this liquidy foam spewing all over me and my nice clean truck. "OH MY GOD!" I screamed and slammed on my breaks. I looked in the rear view mirror just in time to see the van behind me swerve out of the way to miss hitting me. I immediately think that my engine has just exploded and I needed to get out fast before I am engulfed in a burning ball of fire. I don't even pull over. I just stop. In the middle of the street, smack dab in 5 o'clock traffic. I run through a lane of traffic screaming, flying my hands through the air until I make it safely to the curb. I take a breath, preparing myself to turn around and see my truck in a huge ball of flames. I turn around...

Nothing...

It's just sitting there. Engine on. Door open. Everyone staring at me. Some probably wondering what the hell this crazy lady is doing. Most just pissed off because I'm blocking traffic. No one concerned. No one gets out of the car to see if I'm ok, not even rolling down the window and yelling, "Are you ok.?" I stand there for a minute. Drenched in...something...something sticky. Now I don't know what to do. Do I go back over there and risk the chance of blowing up? No! I just stand there a little longer, dazed and confused. What just happened? Is my truck safe? Everyone stop staring at me and get out of your damn cars and help me. Maybe one of them can go see what's going on. Someone?? Anyone?? No one. So, I slowly walk back over to my truck just waiting for it to explode. As I'm getting closer to it I'm thinking 'Ok, if it explodes now I'll probably just get blown back a few feet like they do in the movies' A little closer. 'Ok, now I'll probably just catch on fire, but I would still live' even close now. 'Ok now, now I would die. There is no turning back now'


I peek my head in the door and start smelling inside it, if it smelt like smoke I wasn't getting in it. No smoke. I went a head and sat down even though my rear was now soaking wet from that liquid foam getting all over the seat. I put it in drive and it sounds good. No weird noises or smells and best no more liquid spewing out of it. The a/c was even still on, blowing cold air right into my hot, sweaty, now sticky face. I take a deep breath and think to myself 'your going to be ok, you survived an explosion' I figure I'll just let my husband deal with trying to figure out what it was when I get home. I only live 6 minutes away from work. Yes 6. I've timed it! I then look to my right, and I couldn't believe my eyes. "Are you kidding me?!!!" I started laughing, hysterically. In the caddy between my seats is a Pepsi can with the top completely blown off! It was so hot in my truck that the Pepsi can exploded all over me and my truck!!!

Now I am completely sticky from head to toe and my hair is dripping wet. My truck looks even worse. There is Pepsi everywhere. All over the inside of the windshield, the rear view mirror is covered. The interior is spotted brown and the cup holders are filled to the brim with soda. What a mess!! I was driving down the street dabbing at the roof with napkins I found in the glove box. I wonder what the people around me were thinking! I now know that I won't be keeping cans of soda in my truck again!

Father's Day Brings Up Mixed Feelings

Father's Day is suppose to be a day to celebrate your father and spend the day with your family. For me, I have very mixed feelings about Father's Day. I know I haven't told the story of my childhood yet, but let me tell you a little background about my Father. My parent's were divorced before I was born and my Dad was never really a part of my life. I guess for the first year or so he would come around a bit, but I was too young to remember. I actually remember the first time I met him. Isn't that terrible, you should never 'remember' the first time you meet your Dad, he should just always be there. I remember it perfectly. I was 6 years old and my Aunt had just taken my older sister and I to get a hair cut. When we were done we went over to my Grandparent's house. When we walked in the door there was a man sitting on one couch and my Grandma on the other. My sister immediately ran over to this stranger and jumped on his lap. I stood there in the doorway, frozen. My Grandma turned to me and said, "Jessica, do you know who that is?" I shook my head no and she said, "That's your Dad" I didn't budge. He then pulled out a couple of presents from beside the couch for us. Since my sister was on his lap and seemed to know who he was, I went over and sat next to him. He had gotten me a playskool purse with plastic make up and jewelry with it. A very generic gift for someone you don't know. He visited for a little bit then left. The next time we saw him was when we were being taken out of my Mother's house and put into his custody a few weeks later.


We lived with him for the next 7 years. He was a decent Dad for those seven years. Definitely a better environment than what we were in. I can honestly say that was the first time in our lives that my sister and I ever experienced love in the home. We lived with someone who loved us and cared about us, just wasn't the best at showing it. I think that is why I get so defensive when someone talks badly about him. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to move in with my Grandparents. (My Dad was also a drug abuser/seller) He went back to losing contact with us. Rarely calling us or seeing us. He would always call me on my Birthday and make plans to take me to dinner, but never followed through on them. That was extremely tough to deal with. I would get so excited to see him, counting down the days until our plans. Some times he would call and give an excuse, but usually he would just leave me there gazing out the window. I didn't want to live with my grandparents. My Grandpa is bipolar and had a terrible temper. I would call my Dad often, crying hysterically on his machine to come take me home with him. He would never return my calls. I didn't understand this. How could he listen to his little girl bawling and not even return her call. Why didn't he want me?

There was a year when I was 21 that he came around quite a bit. I lived on my own and my house was on his way home from work so he would stop by on his way home. My sister lived on the same street as me a block down and he would never stop by her house. By this time she had two kids and when he would come by I would try to make him go over there. I would always have to go with him, but I didn't mind. I love my niece and nephew. He even walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believed that we had a new relationship that would only get stronger over the years. After I got married he stopped coming over as much. We moved into a new home five months after the wedding and I rarely saw or spoke to him. He has only been to my new house one time in the last five years.

My Dad has never really been a part of my niece and nephew's life. They are 7 and 5 and don't even know him at all. The last time that he seen them he stopped in unannounced and I told my sister to run into the playroom and tell the kids who he was before he came in. This was 2 years ago. When I got pregnant with my daughter I knew that his relationship with my daughter was going to be completely different then his relationship with my sister's children. Him and I were closer and I just knew he would want to be a part of his grand children's lives. Boy was I ever wrong. He came up to the hospital to see her on the 4th day we were there. She was sickly and we didn't know if she was going to live or not. Otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't of come. Most Dad's would be in the waiting room while their baby daughter was giving birth, not waiting four days to come up to see your dieing grandchild. That was the only time that he has seen her and she is now three. I send him lots of pictures, cards and invitation but never get any response. The last one I sent about 6 months ago was returned to me because he has moved and didn't leave a return address. Have I mentioned that he lives in the same city as me? About a 10 - 15 minute drive. Now I don't have an address or phone number. I couldn't even call him to tell him 'Happy Father's Day' if I wanted too.

So, now I'm sure you can see why I'm not the biggest fan of Father's Day. Mother's Day doesn't bother me because I don't want a relationship with my mother. However, I would love nothing more than my Dad to be a part of my and my daughter's life. He is missing out on so much, and I really feel like I am too. I try not to think about it to much and focus on my husband and daughter. I'm very thankful that my daughter will never have to worry about her Daddy doing that to her. I just hope that if my dad does decide to be a part of our lives that he really commits to it. I either want him to be a part or don't. I'm done with him coming and going as he pleases. When he says he's going to come over I get so excited, just like a little kid, and then we he breaks his promise I'm just as disappointed as I was as a child. I am completely done with that. Maybe one day I will get the courage to tell him that. Thanks for listening! I feel better getting that off my chest.

A Case of the Monday's

It was such a Monday today. For some reason I just couldn't get going at work. Ever have those days? Not only could I not get going, I was in a grumpy mood too! Last night I got a text from my boss at around 9:30 telling me to "plan" on working with one of the Doctor's because his assistant will be sick today. She didn't even ask, just told me to 'plan' on it. Possibly the start of my bad mood?! What's funny is, on my way to work today I seen the girl that was too sick to make it in today driving down the street! lol! I'm always getting pulled away from my position to fill in for some one else. On one hand it's nice to get out of the normal routine, but on the other hand I get so far behind that it's hard to catch up. Everyone always expects me to help them out, but no one ever wants to fill in for me when I need to be out. I am the only one of the only one's in the office cross trained in all the positions, so I'm last on the priority list as far as time off goes. I'm getting really bitter towards that place! Can you tell?

I've been wanting to find a new job, but it's really hard to find anything in my community right now. I live in a mid-size city that has a lot of large plants in it and they are all laying off right now. In the last 2 months over 5,000 people have been laid off and one of the companies just announced another 1,400 will be laid off in the next month. That has had a whirl wind effect on our community. Mom and Pop stores are constantly closing and other smaller companies are having to lay off because no one has any money to spend. I've never seen the economy like this before. Now is definitely not the time to make a job change. Not only will I have 6,000 other people to compete with for a job, but if I did get lucky enough to get one then I would be at the bottom of the barrel. Then, what if that company starts taking a loss, where are they going to look to cut costs? The bottom of the barrel. I've been thinking about going back to school. I'm not really sure what I would want to major in, but at least when I am done raising my child(ren) I will have a career to start in. Who knows what I will do! Well, I think that is enough ranting for one night! Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I don't work tomorrow, so that is a start! Thanks for listening computer.